Monday, December 24, 2012

Gun Mad American Pratts


Traitor Morgan
Dear Americans,
         Are you all going stark, staring mad? Have you lost your marbles completely? Are you hell bent on committing national suicide by ensuring that everyone has an armoury of guns at their finger tips?
          Are you not a bit concerned about school massacres like the Newtown one where 20 kids and six adults got mowed down by some mad man?
Have you become immune to this kind of thing; because it happens to often that the last thing you want is for anybody to take your most treasured toys away from you? Toys like the AR15 Bushmaster assault rifle that can spray bullets all over the place better than a hose pipe can spray water.
          Ask the Newtown survivors how effective it is?
          In spite of that killing you people are still reluctant to talk about gun control. But, as has been the case after every other similar shooting, you are doing your best to pretend there isn’t a fire arm problem in the US. It’s the mentally disturbed people, who use them that are the problem, and that’s why everybody needs a gun for protection.
         But what you don’t seem to realise is that when it comes to guns you are all in the same boat – totally mentally disturbed. And that boat is busy sinking you all, shot through with a bigger variety of bullets than you might get in any war.
          How else could you describe a nation who rushes out to buy more and more guns like the Bushmaster after a school massacre instead of saying, Enough of the killing, we must get rid of all guns.
          In this climate somebody is bound to go for the record. What will it be – 100 children with one magazine; 500 at two different schools; a thousand, two thousand who knows?
          Britain’s Pier’s Morgan couldn’t believe his ears when he led a discussion on the subject on CNN where he replaced that true blue American, talk show host Larry King two years ago.
The Biggest Pratt of all
          In Britain the cops don’t routinely carry guns and they had a mere 58 people shot last year compared with around 10 000 in the US. So it was hardly surprising that Morgan went ballistic when the appropriately named Larry Pratt, the executive director of Gun Owners of America, gave arming more people as the answer to school massacres.
          What a brilliant idea. Make Annie Get Your Gun compulsory as the theme song at every school with the motto: If you can pick it up you can learn to shoot with it.
          Richard Blumenthal, the Senator for Connecticut, the state where the latest school war zone took place, was as pathetic as everybody else. He began by telling Morgan, "There’s no single solution."

          What utter rubbish; of course there is. Ban all guns.

          The best he could come up with was "Ban assault weapons which everybody knows were designed for military purposes." Well if everybody knows this only those in a loony bin would allow everybody to buy one.
          Morgan’s expose` of the mad house that is America moved on to Texan gun shop owner and instructor Crocket Keller or should it be Killer?  He looks at school shootings as just another opportunity to sell more dangerous weapons and is offering a discount on guns to teachers with this helpful advice. "Every principal should have an AR15 in her office." Preferable one of his of course.
          That’s another great idea, so when he or she is in the toilet some deranged kid with a grudge, who forgot his own one at home, can help himself and blast away around the school.  
He'll need those guns - Top of el-Qaeda's hit list
          Our public spirited Texan wants teachers, nurses and even clergyman armed. Sterilised guns in operating theatres will be next. As he put it, "The name of the game is to have fire power equal to that of the criminals."
          Now that Morgan, a foreigner, has had the temerity to show you up for what you are Alex Jones. The Texas radio host has started a petition to have him kicked out of the country for his "hostile attack on the US Constitution." You would think it was Pearl Harbour all over again the way he’s carrying on.
          Your Bible, the Constitution stipulates in the Second Amendment that everyone has the right to bear arms.
         You would expect a radio host to know that freedom of speech comes under the First Amendment. So that’s how crazy you have all become, when somebody like this, of all people, believes that it is more important to protect gun toting, cowboys rather than free speech.
Morgan's reply
          His petition to the White House already has more than the 25 000 names required to get a response. Another petition last year showed how barmy you people have become when the White House was asked if the government had contact with aliens. They were told there was no evidence that these existed.
          It will be interesting to see what answer our insane journalist and his followers get. How about this? Our scientists have found that there is no cure for ‘mad gun disease’ other than to put down the entire population. So if Morgan has a better idea we should let him try.
          Having the British bobby unarmed has been shown to make Britain a less violent country than in places where the police have guns.
         So anybody who thinks the more guns you have the safer you are, needs his head examined.
          It’s going to be a job getting an AR15 into little Johnnie’s Christmas stocking.
Happy Shooting and a Killing New Year,
          Jon 

P.S. Ha! Ha! Deporting me is not an option. I don’t live in that land of the free of yours, so I can say what I like. 

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Little Britain - Brits are Wets now

As this was so popular I've decided to repeat it.

Dear Little Britain,
        Two television obstacle course competitions highlight unintentionally how pathetically soft you Brits have become.        
         Britain's Total Wipeout is for real wets, which they are most of the time because falling into the water is not considered a total wipeout.
         For 'health and safety' reasons no doubt, the participants wear life jackets and crash helmets as well.
        They are allowed to carry on even when they have repeatedly fallen off the obstacles in case they sue the organizers for losing their sense of self worth. They also don't get eliminated for taking forever to finish.
         It makes me shudder to think what my ancestors, who came from the Old Country when Britannia ruled the waves, would have thought had they been alive today.
       Isn’t there a law in the UK against endangering the State by revealing to the whole world just how weak your citizens have become? Has the Victoria Cross, that unsurpassed bravery award, now become obsolete?
        
        On the other hand the Japanese TV programme, appropriately entitled Ninja Warrior, is for the really courageous who you would confidently expect to win a war for you if that became necessary.
        Neither the men nor the women wear crash helmets or any kind of padding let alone lifejackets. The very varied courses are a hundred times more difficult and a lot more dangerous than  the British one and wipeout means exactly that.

       
       If you touch the water you are gone and the same applies if you can't finish within the stipulated time.
     You can understand why there’s no British Empire anymore and there’s absolutely no point in putting Great before Britain.
      Your concerned friend,
         Jon, a Ninja Warrier in training.       

P.S. When it comes to beauty if you compare the British female competitors to the Chinese ones the Brits don't even warant a  first look, let alone a second one.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

School Massacres - too late to stop them America


Disciple of Trash
Dear Americans,
         Sorry to have to tell you that you are doomed to have many more school massacres like the Newtown one. And with followers of hip hop artists like The Game, similar horrific things could easily happen all over the place.

          You know why; because you’ve lost control of the USA.

          You’ve let this 'land of the free' business get totally out of hand. There’s just not enough responsible people to be trusted with it.
          Nowhere is this more obvious than when it comes to gun ownership; the use of drugs and the abuse of free speech.
          It’s all very well saying that every citizen has the constitutional right to have a gun, as if it is needed because there is still a murderous Sioux Indian behind every bush. But when anybody can buy anything from a pistol; to an assault rifle or a bazooka as easily as they buy groceries, you are asking for trouble and of course that’s exactly what you are getting.
          In Newtown where a 20 year old boy has just slaughtered 20 kindergarten kids and six adults, we were told that Connecticut is one of the states with the strictest gun control laws in the country. CNN showed us the three guns he had presumably used; all of them legally licensed to his divorced mother.
          There were two pistols and an assault riffle with a magazine big enough to take an army full of bullets. If that’s what this mother was allowed to legally have in one of the strictest gun control states you can imagine how lax the control is in a lot of the others.
          Where did she keep them – in the broom cupboard? She was clearly not fit to own a pea shooter if her son was able to access them so easily. She learnt the hard way of course when she was the first to be taken out.
         But had your country been at all responsible perhaps nobody would have died.
Hop it Game
          Every time a killing like this happens your leaders like President Obama appear in tears saying things like, "We’ve come together to prevent tragedies like this regardless of the politics."
          But what does he or anybody else do about introducing very strict gun control laws – absolutely nothing. The politics are everything, far more important than the children.
Any party in your country that tries to take guns away from all you gun toting, frontiersmen would be as dead as all those kids at Newtown.
          Then there’s the question of illicit drugs. On reality TV shows people openly admit to taking all kinds of illegal substances without any fear of prosecution. Film stars, who are supposed to be role models, do much the same thing.
          Now you’ve given up the fight against marihuana as various states start to legalise it. Will it soon be open season on every other drug, just because you, as nation, have become too weak to stop their use?
          The other aspect of American life that has reached a dangerous level is free speech. As a journalist I have never advocated censorship, but when this is abused in the vile and dangerous way that it is tolerated in your country it’s time to put a stop to it.
Hardly an ogre
          Michelle Malkin, 42, a blogger who has a weekly syndicated column in a number of US papers, and who contributes to Fox News dared to criticise the blasphemous cover of the Jesus Piece, The Game’s new album.
          That triggered a stream of the most crude, racialist and dangerous abuse against her on Twitter from his numerous twit fans, who clearly haven’t got a brain in their heads.
        "Fuck Michelle Malkin & her lanky faggot ass. fucked your dad bitch,"was one of them. Then there was "I’m going to rape you; Michelle wins the racist cunt of the year" and "You look like you got hit in the face with Jackie Chan’s dick."
          And Mr Game himself doesn’t seem to be making any effort to stop his fans from pillorying her in a way that could easily incite a madman to do her harm. Perhaps he’s reveling in the extra publicity.
Making money at the expense of Christians
         Not to worry, it is far more important to maintain free speech and the right for everybody to carry a gun in that country of yours, than to bother about the odd school massacre here and there. And if rapes or other killings result from the kind of inflammatory statements being made about Michelle, who cares? 
Mark my words when the next school shooting occurs the President, whoever he happens to be, will once again tell the nation how sorry he is, but nobody, absolutely nobody will fuck with the gun lobby.
Happy Christmas, especially to those legislators who are too chicken to take on the gun lovers.
          Regards
          Jon, who handed over his howitzer and machine gun to the Police years ago, even though he lives in crime, ravaged South Africa, where there could easily be a  hijacker in a tank around every corner.  

P.S. We all know what happened to the Roman Empire when the rot set in, not unlike what is happening to the US of A.

Friday, December 7, 2012

Dr Phil's misery gold mine



Dear Dr Phil,

         What’s it like making money out of other people’s misery?

         Since your TV show started 10 years ago on the back of Oprah Winfrey you have made a fortune by exposing people’s most intimate shortcomings to the world.
            You have bastardised your training as a psychiatrist by practising this with the door wide open to the world when it should be dealt with in the utmost privacy.

You said it Doc
         As a result your guests, as you like to call them, are often put through a vicious and humiliating third degree for all to see, just to make money.
Their dirty deeds and most embarrassing moments are highlighted ostensibly to improve their lives, but in reality it’s so that you and Winfrey’s Harpo Studios, the producers of your show and King World Productions that distributes it can make as much money as possible.
You do your best to surround yourself with a good deed aura. But that’s rubbish.
You and your team’s main objective is clearly to find the most sensational misfits of society so that you can have the pleasure of dissecting them purely in the interests of higher and higher viewer ratings among the ghouls of this world.
As you well know nothing beats having grown women and even men in tears in front of you, not to mention children, while you piously pretend that you are only doing this for their own good.  
The philosopher
Then you have your show’s hangers on who are also there for the money. They pick up the shattered lives that you pass on to these institutions that specialise in treating drug addicts and the rest of society’s dead beats.
If your viewers read what Wikipedia has to say about Phil McGraw, which is your real name, they will realise that the squeaky-clean image that you like to promote on TV is just a charade.
Do you remember your Shape Up weight loss products that you promoted on your show? They were supposed to contain scientifically researched ingredients that could help people change their behaviour to control their weight. The research was so scientific that when the Federal Trade Commission started investigating these wonderful claims you took the product off the market.
Did you only get real, as you always tell everybody else, when you were pushed?
And what about the time you, as the kind hearted Dr Phil, visited singer Britney Spears in hospital after she was admitted because, like a lot of stars, life in the limelight had got too much for her? You were slammed by her family for betraying her trust by making public statements about her condition.
Family First was one of your best selling books. I haven’t read it but I would be interested to know, Did you ‘get real’ in that? Does it mention anything about your first wife, who you divorced?
We see the points Jay
As you know a biography written about you by two journalists accused you of being abusive to her and your staff.
Is it right that you have always been an outspoken critic of pornography? If so you didn’t get real when you were the best man at the wedding of your eldest son Jay when he got hitched to Erica Dahm, one of Playboy’s famous triplets.
You don’t get into Playboy magazine without stripping down to nothing for all to see in much the same way that you strip so many of your guests of every bit of dignity.
Get real Dr Phil your show is similar to pornography in that it is designed to shock and titillate by exposing other people’s dubious morals.

Porno? No just the Dahm sister's
But who cares as long as you are making money.

I see that in one year you reached number 22 in the Forbes Celebrity 100 list with an income of $45-million.
Not a bad return from other people’s misery. But how real is that?

Regards,
Jon, a hypochondriac, who has been married five times; has had four failed businesses and who could easily become a drug addict, but who still believes he is qualified to give psychiatric advice to anyone who cares to listen.
P.S. One of your favourite sayings is: "I'm not here to put you under the bus." Then you do just that.