For those who have the same warped sense of humour this Letter can also be had in French.
(Complaints can be addressed to the Blog Council, your nearest newspaper, radio or TV station and when you leave this blog remember to pull the chain)
*Terms & Conditions Apply, if you can find them.
I hope you’re happy with your slaughter of the innocent.
To say your attack on a 17 year
old school girl’s matric, dance dress was totally over the top and unwarranted
would be a lie – it was far worse than that.
Her story was about her enterprise and ingenuity in getting South Africa’s Olympic swimming, gold medallist Chad le Clos to be her date at her school’s matric
dance. As you know she did this by holding up an invitation placard in the
crowd that was at Johannesburg’s airport to welcome
athletes returning from the Olympics.
But you chose to do your utmost to take
the gloss off what was a particularly momentous
occasion for any school girl, by belittle her in the meanest possible way. And
you were aided and abetted by Nadine
Dreyer, the Editor of the Sunday
TimesLifestyle Magazine, who
allowed your vile venom to appear in
Your article came across as some
kind of warped revenge for what happened to you 50
or was it a 100 years ago at your own matric
told us you designed your dress yourself based on one you saw in Vogue and it made you look like a Voortrekker wagon.
Well judging by the only picture of you
that I could find on the internet very little has changed. You still look like
a Voortrekker wagon only now your wheels
have come off and it would take more
than a team of oxen to pull you up again.
Looking such a mess your bitchy ranting about the dress
style of others can’t have any validity at all, let alone what the Sunday Times seems to give it.
If the way you looked for your own school dance made your
father cry, hopefully he’s not around to see you now. You say you got drunk and
was only allowed back to write your matric exam.
was the first forbidding presence of recklessness that would define my life and
it started with an ill-starred frock,you
So we can blame all your reckless, trashy sniping at the
world on that ill-starred
No wonder you had to look for
the snidest remarks available in your book in an effort to destroy Melanie Olhaus’ special occasion that
was so very different to yours.
began, OK so
the dress was wrong. Anyone couldsee that,as if this was an established fact,
not your warped opinion.
your murderous pen could have done better than to describe her dress as a bit like a Swiss
cheese; a hole whereyou expect cheese. Orit looked a bit
like a bathing suit that Ester Williams, a 50’s swimming star might have worn –
in the pool and it was little more
than an animated rag.
Lin on Cape Town Fashion Week
And when you ran out of your own store of bitchy
remarks you quoted an anonymous colleague, who I don’t believe exists, as
You had a field day lambasting Melanie’s
dress and evidently just as much fun knocking Jan Gert
Coetzee, the celebrity designer who produced it.
One of his greatest crimes,
apart from the one that appeared on Melanie, was evidently having designed
a dress for one of the Kardashian
In your eyes that made him a warrior of the junk genrede jour, of reality TV, of people who are famous for being famous(whatever that means), people whoare not famous atall but think
they are.Not content with that slap down you continued with your
insults by saying, With his platinum curlsand sweet lips, hehas a terminal
Your idea of how Melanie
should have looked was for her to have had a simple hair styleas her hair augmented
withextensions gave the appearance of boiling
over. So she didn’t even get that right in your expert opinion.
Her dress you believed should have been a chic contemporary
outfit in soft flamingo silk, an ivory and rose cardigan, and a swathe of seed
Don’t tell me you saw that in Vogue
'Sunday Times & the Art of Fiction' by Mathew Blackman
Didn’t you once say that you had your first reporting job
with the News of
Well look how far trashing the lives of the famous for trashing’s sake, just to
increase circulation, got that rag.
I can’t resist asking if you
had had too much to drink when that rare photograph of you was taken because if
you hadn’t been drinking you have absolutely no excuse.
would crucify the photographer in you next article, if I was you, because he
certainly didn’t take you from your
best side - if you’ve got one.
Jon, Chairman of the Protect Our
Children from Predatory Journalists Society.
How about coming round to my dump next week for a cocktail party? You would all be very welcome especially you guys from the Democratic Alliance now that you are running the show after the African National Congress made such a mess of things when it was their turn.
Let’s make it on Monday at 6.00 pm for 10.00 pm. Sorry for this short notice but I wanted you to come when the entrance to the suburb where I live is looking its best. It wouldn’t be truthful to say it’s blooming although it is very colourful.
I’m convinced you’ll agree with me when you come that even the scent of the flowers at Kirstenbosch Botanic Gardens doesn’t compare with the aroma at my place.
There’ll be plenty to drink and snacks for Africa. The money’s coming out of ourHousing Fund because us residents agreed unanimously, after several protest marches, that it was more important to get you councilors here at least once every 10 years than having more houses. You can then see the enormous progress that is being made right under your noses.
To make the event as much fun as possible all I ask is that you bring a plastic, rubbish bag. You can bring more than one if you are totally committed to that greeningthe earth thing. As soon as you arrive I will organise you into teams. But don’t not come for fear that I will mix DAswith ANCs because nothing like that’s going to happen.
The wining team will be rewarded with double the amount of wine of that consumed by the rest of you in keeping with the true Cape tradition.
Oh sorry I forgot the most important thing. At my age, born at the time of the great rinderpest plague, my brain goes off-line a bit more often than when I was two. You’ll be please to hear that it’s nothing onerous. All you have to do is fill up as many bags as you can with rubbish in the four hours between six and 10.
You won’t have to go far to find it. There’s stacks at Masiphumelele (Masi to its friends) where I and my family have lived in the same conditions since 1895. If you’ve never been here, not to worry. All you do is drive along Kommetjie Road from the Fish Hoek direction and when you see huge piles of household refuse on the righthand side of the road that's where you'll find me. It's a well known landmark.
No end of tourists in those great big coaches and in their hired cars have remarked that this view has been one of the highlights of their visit to Cape Town because they’ve never seen anything like it. As you might know they have to pass it on their way to Cape Point.
It’s just as well that Sir Francis Drake is no longer around otherwise he would have had to revise his opinion about this being thefairest Cape inall Christendom. I think that’s what he said although it was a bit before my time. Or was it that Vasco da Gama chap? No he didn't speak English did he?
Anyway I hope you’ll all do thegood deed thing and attend the party and enter into the spirit of the evening. I’m really getting sick and tired of my friends and relatives constantly saying, Are you still living in that dump?
*According to the False Bay Echo the head of the City Council's cleaning department, Claire McKinnon says the complaints are a lot of rubbish because the mess in Masi is the fault of the residents. She says it'scivil disobedianceas every resident has access to a weekly refuse collection via bins or free bags. So there!
Dear Michael Jordaan Chief Executive of
First National Bank,
It’s me again. Sorry to harp on about it, but the
undertaking given by your bank to put more staff into one of your ailing
branches hasn’t materialised.
It was nearly six months ago that Barry de Witt, your CEO of Branch Banking told me,We have arranged toincrease staff numbers(seeBig, Bad, Bad First NationalBank). This was at the Long Beach Mall branch in Cape Town's Southern Suburbs.
Surely if this had been done your clients wouldn’t still be
putting nasty messages in that Give us your thoughts book that you have at the
Here are some of the latest ones and I’ll include some of
the ones I mentioned before just to refresh you memory.
- Liz Goate` wrote 'You have no staff
available. You might as wellclose
the branch down.'
Liz owns the Lighthouse property management business, which involves
having separate bank accounts for the properties on her books. And she told me
this incredible story of what happened on this occasion when she went in to
open another account.
The man at inquiries was jumping around having apparently
bumped the funny bone in his elbow and he claimed he couldn’t write. There was
nobody else to help her so she told him she would wait, assuming that the pain
would soon wear off.
But the not so funny experience for her
was that our manly FNB staffer still couldn’t write half and
hour later. He must have been a soccer player.
was surprised you could read my writing because I was so furious,'she told me.'I have a huge number of accounts
at that branch.'
- Veronique said of the
service 'It’s up to SHIT!!! I pay a lot
of money for your services. There are 2 people in your bank.'
She is I assume a well healed client who expects the
best service because she was previously with RMB
Private Bank. As youknow this is
the part of theFNB group that deals with wealth
management and that kind of thing.
She described the change as being 'disappointing.'
- K.Govender commented 'More tellers are needed. We are alwayswaiting up to 30min in the queue. The manager is of no help and is rude.'
- Rob Holding’s
indictment was 'Always waiting at the
tellers. Worst service of anyFNB
I’ve been to.'
Wendy Fortune, who does the banking for the
Photo First shop in the Mall, wrote, 'Most
times when I come for change you don’t have any. Unacceptable for a bank not to
have change. I had to go the Standard bank who could help.'
She told me that FNB
had now sorted out this problem for her.
Tom Cooper’s complaint was, 'Find more competent technicians to service
the ATMs. All three have similar defects on the screen.' And on the other
side of the page there was this entry, 'Branch
response. Technicians do not inspect ATMs once they have repaired them.'
While I was looking through this classic book of how
not to run a business the manager came up to me and assured me that all these
comments no longer applied as they would shortly be getting more staff.
Haven’t I heard that somewhere before? Last time when Barry
said much the same thing I wrote that only time will tell whether
things will improve or if the branch will remain a monument to BAD, BADService.
this monument can’t be changed, it seems. It’s cast in stone.
Your distressed Consumer
Jon P.S. Barry told me the staff compliment was increased by three, but then there were two resignations and they are in the process of replacing them. 'The rest of your comments are noted and we will address them,' he added.